By Nina Sidell, M.A., published July 20, 2016
How many times in your life have you dealt with someone who is a “hothead?” That is someone who overreacts and flies off the handle, doing so with some degree of intensity, consistency, and predictability, typically with minimal provocation. When faced with a “hothead” who occasionally or repeatedly “blows off steam” in your direction, how do you process the behavior and keep your cool?
Once you’ve spent time with a “hothead” you learn to expect future over-the-top reactions. Their inappropriate intensity, and lack of self-control may show up in limited or multiple scenario’s. You may feel uncomfortable, even fearful and embarrassed around these kind of people. These individuals may be aggressive, passive with explosive tendencies, or may be unable to appropriately handle stressful triggers or lack healthy emotional and physical outlets. These individuals may have developed a pattern of rage and relief to express emotions that are uncomfortable for them or to assert dominance over others. Some people feel regret afterwards while others do not, nor do they have compassion toward those that they “dumped on”. They also may not be emotionally stable or mentally well and their unpredictable blow-up’s are clear indications of their instability.
When adults behave as “hotheads” it is a reflection of themselves yet their “acting out” can make others feel afraid, intimidated, or angry. Some individuals realize that their reactivity does not match the situation and work to get a handle on it, while others do not take ownership or feel remorse, desirous of improving their behavior. Often times children who “act out” are diagnosed with behavioral issues and poor impulse control. Impulse control helps individuals express themselves appropriately, make wise choices, create strong interpersonal bonds, and have the patience and self-control to wait one’s turn. “There is perhaps no psychological skill more fundamental than resisting impulse. It is the root of all emotional self-control, since all emotions, by their very nature, lead to one or another impulse to act. The root meaning of the word emotion, remember, is “to move.” Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, Daniel Goleman, 1995. When adults “act out” and lose self-control it is expected that by this point in time, a greater mastery of emotional material and effective coping skills have been incorporated into their awareness and self-expression. Both children and adults are entitled to “lose it” sometimes. However, when losing it becomes the norm, and the effect hurts others in one’s path, a new way of reigning in expulsive reactivity needs to be learned and practiced.
Here are some strategies to help you keep your cool around hotheads:
- Do all that you can to stay calm, centered, and at peace. You deserve it!
- Utilize healthy outlets when you feel stressed or “dumped on” by another.
- Surround yourself with healthy people who can manage their emotions and impulses.
- Set limits or walk away as soon as someone “dumps” on you inappropriately. Take space when necessary to protect yourself. You are entitled to feel safe.
- Get support from your loved ones, close friends, and helping professionals if necessary.
- One way to keep your cool is to sit in the position of observer. When you can emotionally distance yourself and maintain a neutral presence, it helps you to stay “centered” in yourself.
- Do what keeps you feeling balanced. In addition to your personal and work responsibilities, you have an obligation to yourself to take care of you on every level. This includes your physical, intellectual, emotional, social, and spiritual needs. When you make time to meet your own needs, along with relying on your support network backing you up- the behavior of others is less impactful and you feel strong within yourself.
Since you cannot control or change others, be willing to take responsibility for who you spend time with and how you interact on your end. Be accountable for your words and actions. If you think you are a “hothead” find someone to talk with and explore the root of what is causing these outbursts. If there is an unresolved emotional trauma, lack of skill around self-expression, or chemical imbalance to blame, seek help with counseling and medication (if need be). Discover and learn a more peaceful way to be in the world with others. Remember that being human is a multi-faceted job and a constant learning process. Keep your cool for your overall well-being and health.
About Nina Sidell, MA
Nina Sidell, M.A. is a psychotherapist, life coach, and speaker with over twenty-five years in private practice. She is the author of The Mom’s Choice award-winning book, Parenting for Life. Parenting for Life is available on Amazon Us, Amazon Europe, Create, Space, Kindle, and Barnes and Noble.