By Nina Sidell, M.A., published February 5, 2008
It is the time for parents who co-raise children to come to terms with the roles and responsibilities of who they are, who they have chosen to be as caretakers by bearing new life. Both parties need to fully understand that whatever they do or don’t do can impact their children for the rest of their lives. Either the children will learn by example and copy what they have lived or they will create a defensive, coping response in opposition to their life experience growing up.
Both within in-tact and divorced marriages and irregardless of where a child is developmentally, the responsibility lies squarely on the part of the parents who directly shape the way of the family. Whether or not the parents stay together or not in the long run, communication between the parents is a constant for the good of the children. I also believe that the parents, who are no longer together will benefit and lead more peaceful lives when the dialogue flows between them, particularly when it comes to raising of their children. It becomes a source of pride and partnership, that may have not been able to survive in the marriage in more personally intimate ways. The mutual support, directed away from the couple and even if parenting styles differ, create a unified front, highly emphasizing the children’s well-being and comfort. The children are indeed extensions of their union and their care becomes front and center. With the rampant divorce rate for first (1 our of 2 within 7/13 years)?? and second marriages (1.5 out of 2 within 2-3 years) ?? today, we need to stress the value of caring as expertly as we can for those following in our footsteps.
The outcome of the children’s happiness and the peace of the parents count more than anything else. Get over your disappointment and bitterness with your partner or ex-partner. Get on with the business of being the adults and setting up effective family planning. You were brave enough to become parents together. Now be brave enough to parent them together. Don’t allow extraneous, unrelated circumstances to get in the way of this most important job. Only abusive or absent partners offer scenario’s that are exempt from this highly sought after, highly executive position.
If we can see that it is not about creating the perfect family, whether in tact or not. It is about holding a consciousness of building a psychology of teamwork within families, that we grow families. Ideally, marriages would last forever and the divorce rate would be a thing of the past. If parents notice the benefits and ease of how teams cooperate in many other areas of life, we’d have greater success in building a workable parenting team, encouraging happy, healthy children. Since divorce is at an all-time high, mature dating is commonplace, many people are single parenting, we must find a way to love, teach and care for the young ones who are living with it. We see the value of team spirit in the business of running businesses and supporting sports teams to victory. Why not usher in a new mentality about family life as the one essential team? It is first in the awareness, then in the commitment to strategize democratically that our true game plan emerges. The parents, like the boss or the coach are in charge while the children, employees or athletes have a voice. The modus operandi comes from the top and who better to lead than the top dogs? Even the pups need to be part of the team when it’s a family led by a single parent in the day-to-day undertakings.
When two adults marry and plan to start a family, there needs to be awareness that the job of raising their offspring is an ongoing one. It has a beginning, a middle and no end. The way the parents were raised enter in to that plan. The nurturance, expectations, guidance tools and relational skills must be present, in some form. This is necessary for the parents to set the proper stage for family team spirit. It all boils down to the adults behaving and thinking like adults and the children doing their job as curious adventurers, along for the ride, learning bit by bit along the way.